“Why don’t they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.” – Craig Ferguson
“An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, ‘What are we fighting for, man?'” – Conan O’Brien
“A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney’s horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there’s one thing that family needs, it’s more gold.” – Conan O’Brien
“Romney’s Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one’s ever heard of before and Mitt was taken.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” – Conan O’Brien
“This week is international clown week. That’s something more terrifying than sharks. There’s a lot of famous clowns. Bozo the Clown, Krusty the Clown, Joe Biden. There’s three right there.” – Craig Ferguson
“I would like to congratulate the team at NASA’s jet propulsion lab. You deserve every missed high five of your celebration.” – Stephen Colbert
“This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It’s like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Chick-Fil-A controversy)
