“I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: ‘Are you the only two choices?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.” – Jay Leno
“This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of ‘Buzzkillistan.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.” – David Letterman
“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.” – Jay Leno
“Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don’t know what’s bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn’t already have gay marriage.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that!” – Jay Leno
“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he’ll just think about pancakes.” – Jimmy Fallon
