“A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it’s definitely going to be thanks to the one percent.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good. But it does show that if you’re unsuccessful in this country, you didn’t do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, President Obama.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama hasn’t met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason? They’re all out looking for jobs.” – Jay Leno
“Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. But the good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery.” – Jay Leno
“A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now it turns out.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Over the past five years, the value of the Canadian household has risen above the American household. I think most of that came from Justin Bieber and he belongs to us now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail.” – Conan O’Brien
“How about those Olympic uniforms? They’re made by Ralph Lauren and they’re beautiful. They’re colorful, they’re odd. I mean they look like the cast of ‘Glee.’ They look like the entire navy of Monaco.” – David Letterman
“At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it’s 150,000. That’s 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else.” – Jimmy Kimmel
