“During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can make jokes.” – Jay Leno
“In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, ‘What is Mitt Romney hiding?’ My guess: a personality.” – Jay Leno
“The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels they can’t help them until after the election. So at least they’re consistent. That’s the same thing they’re telling us. ‘Can’t help you until after the election.” – Jay Leno
“Romney’s surrogate, John Sununu, he’s in hot water for saying that, ‘I wish president Obama would learn how to be an American.’ Well, that’s kind of insulting, isn’t it? Don’t you think? President Obama spends money he doesn’t have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to eat fatty foods. What is more American than that?” – Jay Leno
“Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn’t kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn’t that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he’s actually married to?” – Jay Leno
“President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Every American athlete who wears the Chinese made uniforms will get a free bootleg copy of the new Batman movie.” – Jay Leno
“Batman is a billionaire who doesn’t trust the system to get the job done. He has a butler and an awesome car that gets like two miles to the gallon. He is the most Republican superhero of all time! Batman is a Republican.” – Craig Ferguson
“North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country’s military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien
“We’re learning more and more about this guy Kim Jong-Un. New vicious, evil dictator of North Korea. Quite a … Apparently quite a ladies’ man. For a long time he was known as Kim Jong Clooney.” – David Letterman
“The boy Scouts of American has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning openly gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions in the organization. Between this and same sex marriage, people really don’t want gay people tying knots.” – Jimmy Kimmel
