“In 2012 I realized the company I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn’t there.” – Jon Stewart (mocking Mitt Romney’s “retroactive retirement” from Bain Capital)
“I was just the guy with the smoke screenish, yet still legal title of CEO and Managing Director who was paid at least $100,000 a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing. That’s the kind of common sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House.” – Jon Stewart
“On Friday Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mitt Romney. They talked about politics, foreign policy, and what it’s like to lose a million dollars in the couch cushions.” – Conan O’Brien
“Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse, that’s a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.” – Jon Stewart
“Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, ‘You’re not invited.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.” – Jay Leno
“Critics are saying these Chinese uniforms are un-American. Have you looked around America lately? Cheap crap made in China. That’s what we’re wearing. Does it get any more American than that? ” – Jay Leno
“We have American athletes in uniforms made in China, wearing French berets. I don’t know if we’re supposed to compete, ask for a loan or surrender.” – Jay Leno
“A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The big news in Washington now is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He’s completely disappeared. People think he’s either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.” – Jay Leno
