“Mitt Romney is worth $250 million, and reporters said, “Mitt, honestly, how did you get so rich?’ And he said, ‘Well, I’ve always been good with my money and I do smart things. I always make sure my tires are properly inflated. And I save 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.'” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney announced that he’s going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I’m not quite sure.” – Jay Leno
“Wall Street says they prefer Mitt Romney for president. And by God, who could question Wall Street’s judgment?” – David Letterman
“An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate. I think this could be the guy. Put the dogs on one car, the kids on the other… ” – Jay Leno
“Good news coming out of North Korea. You know they had Kim Jong Il and he passed away so his son Kim Jong Un is now the leader. He has a new girlfriend — Kim Jong Kardashi-un.” – David Letterman
“John Boehner, who is speaker of the House of Representatives, is super tan, he cries, and he drinks. He should be speaker of the ‘Jersey Shore’ house.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There’s talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves “American Idol” they’re going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden made a sex joke during his speech yesterday, referring to the house he grew up in. They didn’t have much and Biden said, ‘The walls were very thin and I wondered how my parents ever did it.’ Do you get the feeling every time Joe Biden speaks, President Obama wishes Biden’s parents never really did do it?” – Jay Leno
