“I could not wait to start using my Obamacare. Today, I swallowed a fist full of birth control pills and then washed it down with poison. What do I care, it’s free!” – Bill Maher
“What was really so hard for the conservatives to swallow was that Justice John Roberts was the one that did this. Gotta give it up to Justice John Roberts, that was a very studly move he made. But boy, for the conservatives, he was their hero. This is like they threw a big surprise party for their dad and they found him in bed with a black guy.” – Bill Maher
“Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg’s opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas — 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath.” – Bill Maher
“Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts.” – Jay Leno
“The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney came out and said, ‘It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.'” – Bill Maher
“The Republicans, for their part, have accepted the decision and said they’re going to focus on working with the president. I’m joking, of course. They threw a tantrum, shit in their pants, and flung their feces at the White House. They took it like Mel Gibson does when a script is late.” – Bill Maher
“The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care.” – Bill Maher
“Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he’s just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That’s it, ‘Fuck you all. I’m just not doing it.’ So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you’re going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money.” – Bill Maher
“People will now have to have health insurance. The same way every driver in California has car insurance.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin said, ‘Obama lies, freedom dies.’ And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.’ But freedom is dead.” – Bill Maher
“They shouldn’t be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien.” – Bill Maher
“I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I’m a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it’s like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war.” – Bill Maher
“Now, right now, the smart money for VP is on Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who you may recognize as the brother of the bride of every wedding you’ve ever been to. But Senator Rubio has intelligence, experience, and honesty issues. Or what pundits call ‘the full Palin.'” – Bill Maher
“Now, many Republicans of course want Naugahyde beanbag chair and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as Mitt’s second in command. And it’s hard to look at him and not think, number two.” – Bill Maher
“And then there’s Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he’s a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards. And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up.” – Bill Maher
“Of course, there’s always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting.” – Bill Maher
“So Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. what about, hear me out, Romney-Zimmerman 2012? It’s unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, ‘I think the black guy’s up to no good.’ – Bill Maher
“But you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney Vice President? Mitt Romney. That’s right, Mitt. Yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye to eye with you. I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it’s gonna be kinda hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, treaty of the sea, Megan’s Law, the infield fly rule. OK, forget that one.” – Bill Maher
“But I got one more idea. Yes, it’s desperate, but Mitt, come on, you’re not the most galvanizing candidate in history. And by that, I mean, you’re the least galvanizing candidate in history. Scientists are testing your stump speech as a cure for sleep apnea. Remember that time you tried to kiss a baby, and it crawled back in the womb? … Me, Mitt. Pick me! Pick me for your VP! I know it’s out of the box, but look. We are complete opposites. Americans love that. It’ll be like a buddy movie, where you’re the uptight square, and I’m Chris Tucker. I could bring total balance to the ticket. You’re against medical marijuana, I’m high right now! You wear magic underwear, I go commando. I hate kids, you have 47 over for Thanksgiving. You’re a Mormon, I think Mormonism is a hysterical con invented by a swindler to get pussy! Me, Mitt, me! Let me help you move America forward into the past!” – Bill Maher
“The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started. ” – Jay Leno
“This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, ‘Is this Hell?'” – Jimmy Fallon
