“It’s a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two.” – Craig Ferguson
“In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.” – Jay Leno
“CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it.” – Jay Leno
“For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, ‘Thank God no one watches us.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.” – Craig Ferguson
“It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life.” – Jay Leno
“Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.” – Craig Ferguson
“According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they’d see there’s no jobs and they’d go home.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool.” – David Letterman
“New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn’t like an ‘S.O.B.’ Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a ‘B.L.T.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, ‘Please do not lump us in with those maniacs.'” – Conan O’Brien
