“The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is about to get a lot more interesting.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, ‘The View’ is now a radio show.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he’s too busy to comment because he’s watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, ‘I don’t understand. How would they get on my private jet?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Just 31 percent of Americans said they would sit next to Romney on an airplane and 57 percent would rather sit next to president Obama — while 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other, just have them go at it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new report found that President Obama’s campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, ‘I’m Barack Obama and I’m selling some old CDs on Craigslist.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that’s called being a Democrat” – Jay Leno
“It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money.” –Jay Leno
“It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.” –Jay Leno
“A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don’t confuse that for what you and I have. That’s contempt FOR Congress.” – Jay Leno
“There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today. Or as people at work put it “Well, I guess I better get back to Facebook.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend begins Gay Pride Week. Their big parade begins on 12th Street and ends in Sarah Jessica Parker’s shoe closet.” – David Letterman
