“Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan… I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim.” – Bill Maher
“Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I’m trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t drink or cheat, or a black guy who’s skinny.” – Bill Maher
“This weekend President Obama’s daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn’t he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn’t he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.” – Jay Leno
“Obama had a big fundraiser for the gay and lesbian elite here in Hollywood. He was introduced by Ellen and did a really dirty joke. Michelle Obama had gone Ellen’s show and had a push-up contest with Ellen and won it. The president said, ‘Ellen claims Michelle didn’t go all the way down.’ Hey, who’s the potty mouth here, Mr. President? You can take my million, but don’t fuck with my act.” – Bill Maher
“In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.” – Jay Leno
“That’s one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh.” – Bill Maher (regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town)
“The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed. This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention of Mexicans.” – Bill Maher
“Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It’s so over the line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov. Scott said, ‘Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons, deceased, or here illegally.’ Which in Florida leaves only 12 people.” – Bill Maher
“In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, ‘Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.'” – Jay Leno
