“Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, and South Dakota today. Both candidates for president — Obama and Romney — have already clinched their nominations. So today’s primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.” – David Letterman
“A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, ‘And they said I can’t connect with the poor.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn’t creating job openings?” – Jay Leno
“Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. Makes sense – Bon Jovi’s living on a prayer, while Obama’s campaigning on one.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it’s too bad we couldn’t get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.” – Jay Leno
“According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards’ love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven’t we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?” – Jay Leno
“It’s a memoir about their relationship. She didn’t write it herself. She used a ghost skank.” – Jay Leno
“New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana – which explains why stoners are like, ‘It’s a cop. Hide most of the weed.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years – or about the same time your 401(k) comes back.” – Jay Leno
“Facebook may change its accounts policy and allow kids under 13 to join. Under 13. Yeah, when they heard this, Chinese officials said, ‘Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'” – Conan O’Brien
