“Oh, Jon! Did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining at any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased, while at the same time filling the editorial vacuum that that creates by building a Conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization… Jon, I’m gonna call the organization Fox News, and its tagline will be — you’re gonna love this: ‘A Fanatically Micro-Managed Media Fiefdom Where My Own Far-Right Agenda And Personal Sense of Victomhood Drive Every Aspect of the Operation… and Balanced.'” –Jon Stewart (“recalling” a conversation with Fox News chief Roger Ailes)
“Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say ‘The Hangover, Part III?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it’s easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired.” – Jay Leno
“First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, ‘I’m game!'” – Jimmy Fallon
