Political Irony

“It’s been a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke.” – Jay Leno

“This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterfucks ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, ‘The American Dream.'” – Bill Maher

“Pollsters found out that when you ask people on a cell phone who they’re supporting, overwhelmingly it’s Obama. When you ask on a landline, Romney. By the way, Romney also has the support among voters who refer to the coffee pot as the percolator, and the clicker to change the channel.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.” – Bill Maher

“As George Bush once said, ‘Our kids is not learning.'” – Bill Maher

“Between the obesity and the low test scores, you’ve got to ask yourselves the question, ‘How fat and dumb do our kids have to get before our teachers stop having sex with them?” – Bill Maher

“Speaking of fat and dumb, Donald Trump is in the news. He’s gone full-on re-Birther. He said Obama was born in Kenya, and he’s having a fundraiser in Las Vegas for Mitt Romney – the first time a major presidential candidate is going be on the stage with a real out-and-out Birther. And this could hurt Romney, not just because he’s on the stage with Donald Trump. Because it proves that in America, you can make money in business and still be a total fucking idiot.” – Bill Maher

“A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, ‘Nuh-uh!'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is trying to get the Latino vote … He maintains he’s always had a great relationship with the Latinos in his life, as long as they don’t wake him up with the leaf blower.” – Bill Maher

“A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead … Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates. This is a tough thing because they want to appeal to the Republican base. They want a strong conservative there, but someone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is on for a strong conservative in a coma.” – Bill Maher

“And they say they’re not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They’re going to do a much more thorough job vetting than McCain did with you-know-who. They said this time they’re going to ask probing questions like, ‘Can you read? And ‘How many fingers am I holding up?'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don’t know how many wives he has. I’m not saying that I believe in that, I’m just saying he was born on a Mormon compound. I’m not a ‘Wifer’ but for some reason he’s never shown his original marriage certificate.” –Bill Maher (countering “Birthers” by creating a Romney ‘Wifer’ controversy)

“Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?” – Bill Maher

“Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars. See, this is why we miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one.” – Jay Leno

“The Center for Responsive Politics reports that President Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn’t lost it all in his economic plan?” – Jay Leno

“A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn’t our ally.” – Jay Leno

“New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius.” – Jay Leno