“There has been another new development in the Secret Service prostitution scandal… [Some agents] say this kind of thing is so common that internally they refer to it as the Secret Circus. Which explains why they were trying to pay the hookers peanuts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn’t realize the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you’re trying to get your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can’t spot a hooker? Really?” – Jay Leno
“Today, members of the Secret Service told the Senate that there’s an unwritten rule amongst agents that what happens on the road stays on the road. Not to be confused with that written rule – that they shouldn’t have sex with prostitutes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the past few months there’s been an increasing buzz that Mitt Romney will pick a vice president who’s safe, white, and duller than him. Which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, ‘the Juan percent.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Next month a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called ‘Are you going to finish that?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who’s trying to climb Mount Rushmore. The guy is in his 50s, from Chicago, and he’s desperate to get on Mount Rushmore. Oh my God, it’s Obama!” – Jay Leno
“Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there’s only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.” – Jay Leno
“After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook’s weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look – MySpace.” – Jimmy Fallon
