“JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don’t know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece.” – Jay Leno
“Cher sent out a tweet that got some attention. She said if Mitt Romney gets elected, she doesn’t know if she can breathe the same air as him. In the event that Romney does get elected, I want to offer Cher a place to live. It’s the Cher biodome, complete with a year supply of air and Rice-A-Roni where Cher can live, be happy, and have peace.” – Conan O’Brien
“If you didn’t for any reason laugh at the Cher biodome joke, it’s probably for two reasons. One, it’s not that funny. And two, if you’re a younger viewer, you have no idea who Cher is.” – Conan O’Brien
“During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That’s ridiculous. Some of my best friends’ gardeners are middle class.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that’s not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on earth, which is where we live. I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was still governor. He would know what to do.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth’s orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn’t panic. You know, if you didn’t want us to panic, maybe you shouldn’t have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth.” – Jimmy Kimmel
