Political Irony

“A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick ‘an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.’ When he heard that, Joe Biden said, ‘Thanks, I’ve already got a gig.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama’s new slogan, ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I loved ’50 Shades of Grey.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn’t even support same-sex car pools.” – David Letterman

“President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.” – Jay Leno

“Ron Paul has announced he’s no longer campaigning. He’s dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?” – David Letterman

“Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he’s dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one.” – David Letterman

“The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan’s $2.3 billion loss. I believe it’s called ‘Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan’s $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what’s going to happen? The government’s going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!” – Jay Leno

“Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers.” – Conan O’Brien

“Here in New York City, they have a law now that if you’re a police officer and you see somebody who looks suspicious, you can stop them and frisk them. And I thought, ‘Well, now wait a minute, in New York City, everybody looks suspicious!'” – David Letterman

“The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair ” – Conan O’Brien