“The new Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with a headline, “The First Gay President.” Apparently, the new Newsweek editor is a 3rd grade bully.” – Conan O’Brien
“The new issue of Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with the caption ‘The First Gay President.’ … Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek? Really?” – Jay Leno
“Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, “Well, you want me to look nice, don’t you?” And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?” – David Letterman
“Earlier today President Obama went on ‘The View.’ He went on ‘The View’ because they’re the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?” – David Letterman
“The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JP Morgan.” – Jay Leno
“As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I just read about a new 24-hour day care that’s opening in India. Yeah, it’s pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.” – Jimmy Fallon
