“There was a huge fundraiser for President Obama at George Clooney’s house last Thursday night. They raised over $15 million. Actually, one awkward moment: When they were handing President Obama the check… the Chinese ambassador stepped in and said, ‘I believe that belongs to us.'” – Jay Leno
“JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That’s 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.” – Jay Leno
“JP Morgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.” – David Letterman
“President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? – that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.” – Jay Leno
“On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I’m going to wait and here what Angela Lansbury has to say.” – David Letterman
“President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal.” – Jay Leno
“The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question.” – Jay Leno
“This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great – now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” – Jimmy Fallon
