“The other big news, Obama’s big surprise visit to Afghanistan this week. And this was a surprise. I mean a surprise! I mean the Secret Service barely had time to get condoms and lube.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.” – David Letterman
“Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we’re winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we’re not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech.” – Bill Maher
“And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?” – Bill Maher
“Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume.” – Bill Maher
“And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” – Bill Maher
“According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden’s compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn’t commit suicide.” – Seth Meyers
“We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden’s compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty.” – Jay Leno
“The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News ‘lacks neutrality.’ I’m not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, ‘Forward.’ Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.” – Seth Meyers
“This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, ‘Forward.’ … And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, ‘My money might be offshore, but my heart’s right here in America.'” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – David Letterman
“New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a ‘wild ride.’ Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.” – Bill Maher
“Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.” – David Letterman
“Mitt’s wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there’s another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.” – David Letterman
“Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney.” – Bill Maher
“Tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic already.” – Jay Leno
“In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.” – Jay Leno
“More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.” – Jimmy Fallon
