“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.” – Jay Leno
“Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?” – Jay Leno
“Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he ‘made up’ a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — ‘Forward’ — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be ‘Forward my mail.'” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare.” – Jay Leno
“Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I’m surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s true. That’s a real insult to our founding fathers — Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.” – Jimmy Fallon
