“Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know who’s in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7 news.” – David Letterman
“Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It’s not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich.” – Craig Ferguson
“Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain.” – Craig Ferguson
“German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda’s plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot.” – Jay Leno
“Today is Osama bin Laden day. One year ago they got a hold of Osama bin Laden. Don’t we usually celebrate on a Monday?” – David Letterman
“The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It’s like a Kardashian husband.” – David Letterman
“Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden’s death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service.” – David Letterman
“The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone.” – Jay Leno
“Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow.” – Jay Leno
“Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He’s 160 years old. Of course he’s unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress.” – Craig Ferguson
“The report from British lawmakers was officially issued today. Murdoch knew about it months ago — because he hacked into their phones.” – Craig Ferguson
“On Saturday night I was speaking at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. I roasted the president, some politicians, and the news media. Barbara Walters was there and was upset about a joke I made about her. I don’t want to turn it into a feud because I know Barbara will pull my heart out and have it roasted by her servants.” – Jimmy Kimmel
