“I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn’t get much of a reaction either. They’re probably laughing on the inside.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, ‘So, your place then?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don’t get drunk and have sex?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn’t worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him.” – Jay Leno
“A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn’t been screwing around with hookers.” – David Letterman
“Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said ‘Hey girls, let’s see who is on ‘Leno.’ That was the last thing he said.” – David Letterman
[on Republican hypocrisy over accusing Obama of politicizing the death of Osama bin Laden] “So let me get this straight. Republicans, you’re annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President’s political ad. You think he’s divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a fucking aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!” – Jon Stewart
“President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan – ‘Forward.’ That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, ‘Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.'” – Jay Leno
“During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul.” – Jay Leno
“According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free.” – Jay Leno
