“A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, ‘Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn’t responded to the ad because he’s too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.” – Conan O’Brien
“While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, ‘has a big stick.’ In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn’t that already the announcement? If you say next week I’ll announce I’m dropping out of the race, what’s the point of having the announcement next week?” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he’s waiting, it’s because it takes him that long to gather a crowd.” – Jay Leno
“Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he’s the best.” – Conan O’Brien
“A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it’s known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day.” – Conan O’Brien
“Bring Your Child to Work Day — that’s how we got George W. Bush.” – David Letterman
“Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.” – Jay Leno
