The best jokes made by Barack Obama and Jimmy Kimmel:
On Obama
“Remember when the country rallied around you in hope for a better tomorrow? That was a good one.” – Kimmel
“What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.” – Obama
“I have not seen ‘The Hunger Games.’ Not enough class warfare.” – Obama
“This is how you know the country’s in bad shape. The president is starving. North Korea is sending him food aid.” – Kimmel (on Obama’s weight)
“There’s a term for President Obama. Not two terms.” – Kimmel
On Romney
“We both have degrees from Harvard. I have one, he has two. What a snob.” – Obama
“It’s nice to be here in the nice, vast Hilton ballroom. Or as Mitt Romney would call it, a fixer-upper.” – Obama
“He was so incensed that he asked if he could get some time on the Merv Griffin show.” – Obama (on Obama’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon)
On Republicans
“I guess it wasn’t Rick’s year. Rick’s year is 1954.” – Kimmel (on Rick Santorum)
“It’s great to see the Gingriches here. I guess that means the check cleared.” – Kimmel
“The reason he [House Speaker John Boehner] smokes so many cigarettes is because his tears keep putting them out.” – Kimmel
On Democrats
“Uggie [the dog] is amazing. He can roll over on command. He’s a Democrat.” – Kimmel
“We used to march. Now we Occupy.” – Kimmel (on America’s weight problem)
“Three Hillaries? That sounds like President Clinton’s worst nightmare.” – Kimmel (on Press Secretary Jay Carney knowing multiple Hilary Rosens)
“Four years ago I was locked in a primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Now she won’t stop drunk-texting me.” – Obama
On the Media
“I’d like everyone to look under their seats. Under each you’ll find a copy of Keith Olbermann’s resume.” – Kimmel
“What’s black and white and read all over? Nothing anymore.” – Kimmel
“There’s no one linking to as much hard-hitting journalism as you’re linking to.” – Obama (addressing Arianna Huffington)
On Celebrities
“If you’re looking for the biggest threat to America, it’s right there — Kim Kardashian.” – Kimmel
“Everything that is wrong with America is here in this room.” – Kimmel (after listing off the politicians, members of the media and celebrities in attendance)
“Jimmy got his start on “The Man Show.” In Washington that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.” – Obama
