“Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren’t able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said he’s not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from ‘Yes, we can” to ‘Duke sucks’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Even though the president just got here today, I’ve been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I’ve been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.” – Jay Leno
“Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn’t want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute.” – Conan O’Brien
“Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he’s not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. They’ve already broken out the non-alcoholic champagne.” – David Letterman
“For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they’re sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s Earth Week. So we’re doing tonight’s show with very little energy. We’re using our solar-powered applause sign. Not only that — my hairpiece is 100 percent hemp.” – David Letterman
