“President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He’s creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts “just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents’ defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah’s Ark.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.” – Conan O’Brien
“Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country. But the best time ever to be a cat.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Google, I am shocked. You stole people’s personal information without their permission? That is Facebook’s job!” – Jon Stewart
“The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don’t worry. The IRS never checks.” – Jimmy Kimmel
