“This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.” – Craig Ferguson
“In case you’re wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t mind paying taxes. But what I don’t get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can’t they give us a pass on that?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There is a record number of Americans now who owe so much in back taxes that they are renouncing their U.S. citizenship. These Americans were offered a place in Nicholas Cage-istan.” – Conan O’Brien
“The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” – Craig Ferguson
“Ann Romney…is defending her husband for once strapping the family dog to the roof of their station wagon on a family trip, saying, ‘The dog loved it.’ Unfortunately the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away to stay with Michael Vick.” – Conan O’Brien
“During a campaign event, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. It was feeding time and Newt and the penguin were fighting over pieces of squid.” – Conan O’Brien
