“After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Romney is out of touch with America.” – David Letterman
“Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote.” – David Letterman
“Newt looks like the guy at your class reunion you don’t recognize.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich’s campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn’t have, maybe he really is qualified to be president.” – Jay Leno
“It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, ‘Manage your money, bro.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The average wedding now costs $27,000. Well, no wonder Newt Gingrich is broke. He’s constantly shelling out all that money.” – Jay Leno
“Gingrich is $5 million in debt. And he’s the guy who was going to fix our economy.” – David Letterman
“Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Florida congressman Allen West made an interesting statement yesterday. He believes there are about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. Really? I think it’s time for someone to lay off the Tom Clancy novels.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“West is a guy that some think should be Mitt Romney’s running mate. I would like that. We haven’t had a truly crazy vice president . . . well, until now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called ‘Understanding Obama’ — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called ‘Understanding Biden.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama’s administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don’t have to listen to disco.” – Jay Leno
“George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy.” – Conan O’Brien
“The teenage birth rate… is now the lowest it’s been in 70 years, and people are wondering why. Is it due to a resurgence of sexual abstinence? Is it due to teens acting more responsibly? Or is due to the fact that ‘Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3’ is so awesome that boys don’t care about girls anymore?” – Jay Leno
