“President Obama’s popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?” – David Letterman
“Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.” – David Letterman
“Hot dogs and pizza don’t go together. It’s like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn’t happen.” – Craig Ferguson
“Miami Marlins’ manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.” – Jay Leno
