“The earth’s population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum’s campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” – Jay Leno
“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” – Jay Leno
“According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he’s now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don’t confuse that with Herman Cain’s campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal.” – Jay Leno
“Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?” – Craig Ferguson
“The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they’re a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They’re already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?” – Jay Leno
“So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn’t they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” – Jay Leno
