“Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.” – David Letterman
“This week Walt Disney’s stock reached its highest point in a year. In fact, Disney is so wealthy, today Mickey and Minnie endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he’s charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” – Jay Leno
“Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A New York City madam says John Edwards was a customer. This is the first time a hooker is more embarrassed at being caught than the john.” – Jay Leno
“Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up.” – Jay Leno
“A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.” – Jimmy Kimmel
