“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” – Jay Leno
“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” – Conan O’Brien
“Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, ‘So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a ‘time warp’ that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said ‘Heck!’” – Conan O’Brien
“Congratulations to Tiger Woods on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who’s gone the longest without a win is Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno
“A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org.” – Jimmy Fallon
