“How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he’s leading in chins.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon… it’s not catching on with the voters. See, here’s my question: what kind of candidate are you if people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office? ‘We’ll go with the six bucks, it’s fine. We’ve got it covered.’” – Jay Leno
“So Newt Gingrich is looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt’s VP is like being a Kardashian husband. It’s going to be over quickly.” – David Letterman
“Congratulations to Rick Santorum on winning the Mississippi and Alabama primaries. Newt Gingrich finished second, Mitt Romney finished third, and Ron Paul is still finishing his cornflakes.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here’s a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago, go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht, go to Romney. Romney, of course, always does well with islands, that’s where his money lives.” – Jon Stewart
“Mitt Romney has been outspending his opponents by a huge margin and he’s still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune. It all worked out.” – Jay Leno
“A new CBS poll found that 80% of Americans say they’re not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20% own gas stations.” – Jay Leno
“It’s not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama announced his final four: Kentucky, Ohio, Missouri, and North Carolina. Mitt Romney announced his final four: Goldman Sachs, Wells Fargo, Exxon, and the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno
“March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It’s how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors.” – David Letterman
