“President Obama’s approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Here’s how he stacks up against others. Obama is at 50 percent positive. Mitt Romney is at 42 percent positive. Ice cream is ahead of both of them at 97 percent.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Santorum’s approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I’m going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” – David Letterman
“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they’re the group that’s most passionate about Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” – David Letterman
“Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul’s slogan is ‘Fear the Poligrip.’” – David Letterman
“CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they’re like, ‘This question’s from Mark in Texas.’ Mark asks: ‘What else is on?’” – Jimmy Fallon
“China’s vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn’t speak Spanish.” – Jay Leno
“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn’t died a couple of months ago. But don’t worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” – David Letterman
“Iran and its nukes. They’ve got the rods all ready to go into the reactor. They’re waiting on the installer. He’s supposed to come out Friday between 10 and 2.” – David Letterman
