“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” – David Letterman
“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney and his wife wanted to spend a nice quiet Valentine’s night just by themselves. So they went to one of Mitt’s campaign rallies.” – Jay Leno
“They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” – David Letterman
“Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.” – Conan O’Brien
“They’re saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there’s a word that best describes Rick, it’s ‘swinging.’” – David Letterman
“I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, ‘For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.’” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich visited the San Diego Zoo yesterday and had fun with a panda. It was amazing. Here you have this massive creature that’s nearly extinct, and then of course there was the panda.” – David Letterman
“President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barack Obama, come on down!” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama was here in Hollywood today. I’m willing to give money to the Obama campaign as long as when they leave Hollywood, they load all of the ‘American Idol’ karaoke singers onto Air Force One and take them with him.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” – Jay Leno
“Earlier this week, President Obama unveiled his new $3.8 trillion budget. $3.8 trillion – that’s more money than Mitt Romney makes in a week.” – Jay Leno
