“Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can’t buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.” – Jay Leno
“Romney’s campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” – Jay Leno
“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he’s too affluent. Romney was talking about his father’s humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I’ll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” – Conan O’Brien
“But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” – Jay Leno
“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he’s mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” – Conan O’Brien
“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn’t believe in evolution.” – Jay Leno
“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s personal photo. It’s him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he’s in there getting a vasectomy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder’s permit.” – Jay Leno
“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word ‘iPad’ is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” – Jimmy Fallon
