“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” – Jay Leno
“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” – David Letterman
“Romney is so confident that he’s getting cocky. He’s already putting the dog on the roof of his car.” – David Letterman
“To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney said he doesn’t really care about poor people. Now he’s backtracking, and he’s saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welke.” – David Letterman
“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that’s still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don’t you ban those? Those do more damage…” – Jay Leno
“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It’s always the voters who get screwed – right?” – Jay Leno
