“Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’” – Jimmy Fallon
“Romney was endorsed by Donald Trump. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing.” – David Letterman
“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump’s head endorsed Gingrich.” – Craig Ferguson
“It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” – Craig Ferguson
“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.” – David Letterman
“I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That’s just to protect him from the poor.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, Romney is the only guy who says, ‘You’re fired!’ more than Donald Trump. Did you know that?” – Jay Leno
“Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.” – Jay Leno
“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s restaurant to show that he’s a normal American… just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn’t spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d’.” – Jay Leno
“Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.” – David Letterman
“Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.” – Craig Ferguson
”Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He’s an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy.” – Stephen Colbert
“There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.” – Jay Leno
“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” – Conan O’Brien
“The next caucus is this Saturday in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It’s got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul’s campaign; it’s got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it’s got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno
”To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.” – Stephen Colbert
”I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, ‘a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'” – Stephen Colbert
