“Everyone got what they wanted this week; liberals got a home run State of the Union from their President of the United States and conservatives got Heidi Klum back from Seal.” – Bill Maher
“There was another Republican debate in Florida tonight. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republicans talked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” – Bill Maher
“Fortunately, tonight’s debate was the last one we’re going to see. The candidates are going to take a break, spending more time attacking the morals of their families.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Newt Gingrich — this is guy is clinical. He thinks he’s some sort of intergalactic ruler. He said by the end of my second term as president, we will have a colony on the moon, and if there are enough people there, it can petition to be the 51st state. We’ll call it Lunarchusetts.” – Bill Maher
“Newt may be toast already. The Republican establishment have the knives out for him. Tom Delay said Newt Gingrich was the most despicable human being he has seen since shaving this morning.” – Bill Maher
“According to new polls that just came out, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000. Or as Romney calls them, ‘trailer trash.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps his money.” – Bill Maher
“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxembourg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” – Bill Maher
“Look at that [image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer’s finger in Obama’s face]. Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” – Bill Maher
“She also said, I swear to God, this is the quote — yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a ‘little bit threatened.’ Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? By the — what was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama spent last night in Las Vegas. This morning he woke up on his hotel room floor trying to figure out what to do about a tiger, baby and 9 percent unemployment.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton said this week she’s gonna quit if Obama wins a second term. She said she’s tired… she just wants to do nothing. And Joe Biden said ‘I’m still not giving you my job.’” – Bill Maher
