“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” – Jay Leno
“And so it was that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of an America where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him, Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy.” – Jon Stewart (after showing Newt Gingrich’s debate comments that he would help poor African Americans get and keep a job instead of receive food stamps.)
“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three deer and fired two elk.” – Conan O’Brien
“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” – David Letterman
“Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish.” – Jay Leno
“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags.” – Stephen Colbert
“South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration.” – Rick Perry from Monday’s debate.
“War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?” – Jon Stewart
“If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house.” – Mitt Romney
“Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?” – Jon Stewart
“(It’s) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable.” – Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his super PAC
“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” – Jay Leno
“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” – Jay Leno
“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” – Jay Leno
“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” – Craig Ferguson
“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” – Craig Ferguson
“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” – Craig Ferguson
“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” – Conan O’Brien
“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?'” – Craig Ferguson
“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.'” – Jimmy Fallon
