“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America.” – David Letterman
“When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.'” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.” – Conan O’Brien
“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.” – Craig Ferguson
“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” – Jay Leno
“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Newt Gingrich thinks he’s the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd. He has the all-important ‘snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors’ demographic.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word ‘contraception.’ I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman.” – Stephen Colbert
“While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll.’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.” – Jay Leno
“I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Word that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he’s got to find another mistress.” – Jay Leno
