“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” – Craig Ferguson
“Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt.” – David Letterman
“Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger.” – David Letterman
“During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney’. Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.” – Conan O’Brien
“Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And if it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.” – David Letterman
“Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.” – David Letterman
“President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, ‘It was a pretty sick pass.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.” – Jay Leno
“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” – Conan O’Brien
