“The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” – David Letterman
“Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you’d keep overnight for observation.” – David Letterman
“How’s this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich’s solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul.” – Jay Leno
“I thought the prostitutes would have endorsed Mitt Romney. After all, like the girls; he changes position every hour.” – Jay Leno
“How about Mitt Romney? Now there’s a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men’s briefs.” – David Letterman
“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” – David Letterman
“Herman Cain is back. He’s planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she’s the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can’t testify against her husband.” – Jay Leno
“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon
