“Tonight is the new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’ It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries.” – Conan O’Brien
“I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it’s on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, ‘Which way is that?'” – Jay Leno
“Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa’s black community, otherwise known as Steve.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, ‘When I’m president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney says President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian’s wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.” – Jay Leno
“A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock’s real name? Juan Hannity.” – Jay Leno
“A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.” – Jay Leno
