“Rick Perry doesn’t have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head.” – Daily Show correspondent John Oliver
“It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?” – Jay Leno
“Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, ‘I’m sorry, but that’s all I had in my pocket at the time.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails.” – David Letterman
“Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they’re also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.” – Conan O’Brien
“A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That’s awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It’s like voting for Obama.” – Craig Ferguson
