“Here’s what you and your minions don’t understand, [Bill] O’Reilly. Your hell doesn’t scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I’m already in hell.” – Jon Stewart
“The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii.” – Conan O’Brien
“Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ’s paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye.” – David Letterman
“While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish.” – Jay Leno
“Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he’d do about the West Bank, he said he’d bring back free checking.” – Jay Leno
“According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners.” – Jay Leno
“According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, ‘the 99 percenters.'” – Jay Leno
