“Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus.” – Jon Stewart
“Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain, the Herminator, said ‘I will not be silent, and I will not go away.’ Then he shut up and left.” – David Letterman
“This is kind of scary. This was in the paper today; according to the new federal guidelines if you’ve had sex with more than one person in the past year, you might be ‘too promiscuous to be an organ donor.’ More bad news for Herman Cain.” – Jay Leno
“I’m so excited, Christmas season is finally here. … A new survey found that two of the most popular holiday songs are ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.’ The LEAST popular Christmas song: ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Herman Cain.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview at her lawyer’s office, Herman Cain’s mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain’s story either. I think that’s fair.” – Jay Leno
“Cain says that he and his wife … everything is fine between them. Though it’s not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump yesterday. There’s a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States.” – Jay Leno
“Former Vice President Dan Quayle…remember Dan? Potato with an ‘e’? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, ‘Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome…'” – Jay Leno
“The head of the Federal Aviation Administration … has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don’t want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'” – Jay Leno
