“Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?” – Jimmy Fallon
“I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“You know, I don’t know what the Republicans are crowing about. Losing Barney Frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. He is the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, Jewish, Taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. He’s your everything bagel.” – Jon Stewart
“With Herman Cain we’re up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.” – Stephen Colbert
“This new woman says the affair was consensual. I’d say things are looking up.” – Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain
“A thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage.” – Stephen Colbert
”13 years!? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with.” – Jon Stewart on Herman Cain
“Herman Cain’s latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn’t realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain.” – Jay Leno
“Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign.” – Jay Leno
“You know what we should do? We should set up Herman Cain with that woman with the pepper spray at Walmart. She’d slow him down.” – Jay Leno
