“In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.” – Craig Ferguson
“It’s Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself.” – Conan O’Brien
“Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she’s number 9-9-9 now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, ‘When I’m president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia ‘The Phantom Tollbooth,’ while Malia bought Barack ‘Economics for Dummies.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named ‘Jihad.’ Or as the TSA put it, ‘Hope you like Amtrak!'” – Jimmy Fallon
