Yesterday was Jon Stewart’s birthday. Shouldn’t this be a national holiday or something, say National Day After Jon Stewarts Birthday Day? Maybe not. If we formalized it, O’Reilly would probably declare war on NDAJSB-Day and spoil it for everyone.
For now we celebrate under the Fox radar with some of the best Jon Stewart quotes:
“I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn’t realize is that those people are a**holes.” — Jon Stewart
“We have got to pay those bailed out firm CEOs top dollar. Otherwise those companies could end up being run by a couple of jackasses who f**k things up so royally, it torpedoes the entire global economy.” — Jon Stewart
“Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator’. You can’t even use the word ‘rich’. You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'” — Jon Stewart
“It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn’t in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let’s at least make troubled individuals easier to spot.” — Jon Stewart, reflecting on vitriolic political rhetoric in the wake of the Arizona shootings
“What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?” — Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding
“It’s like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, ‘You know, there’s something wrong with this mirror.'” — Jon Stewart to the GOP base
“Have you learned nothing from Fox? You pick your narrative and you stick with it — and if the news doesn’t fit your narrative, change your f**king news.” — Jon Stewart, explaining journalism to MSNBC
“If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values — they’re hobbies. You know, one of the genius moves of The Founders was not writing The Bill of Rights on the back window of a dusty van.” — Jon Stewart, reacting to clip of Bill O’Reilly disagreeing with Barack Obama’s inaugural speech statement that America does not need to compromise its values in order to protect itself
“Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.” — Jon Stewart
“Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?” — Jon Stewart
“They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?” — Jon Stewart
“The season wouldn’t feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing.” — Jon Stewart on the ‘War on Christmas’
“I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.” — Jon Stewart
“This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let’s say, I don’t know, two and a half months ago, that they didn’t want to pay taxes anymore. The tea party is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?” — Jon Stewart, on the tea party protests
This list could go on forever yet it’s still growing. If you need more now, Daniel Kurtzman has an app that provides one classic Stewart quip at a time until Carpal Tunnel Syndrome stops you.
– Iron Filing
